The Fairytale of the SAHM

Hi.

I had this moment yesterday.

I had just snuggled and rocked with my baby until she fell asleep, and I was on my way to put her in the crib, when I looked down at her.

This is like a fairytale.

It's no surprise to anyone that motherhood isn't always glamorous.  Some women do a pretty good job of making it look that way on Instagram, but I think deep down we know that's not what their behind-the-scenes reel looks like, right?

I mean, last week Jered made a comment about me "not exactly wearing my best lately."  When I stopped to think about that, I realized that I hadn't touched jeans in about a week.  In fact, I basically live in gym shorts and tank tops now, and, if I'm honest, the previous night's pajamas.

[Or, on occasion, something covered in spit up... or worse.]

I go days without wearing makeup sometimes (which is really saying something, guys- I am not an au naturel girl.), and my hair has seen far more than a fair share of messy top knots in the last few weeks.  (Although I'd like to remove myself from blame in that case and pass it on to my conditioner that won't allow me to comb my hair after showers.)

Anyway.  I'm guessing that any stay-at-home-mom is lying if they say that they never question their worth.  So much value is put into careers now that it is easy to wonder, "What am I doing with my life?"

And I've seen and heard the messages about how being a mom is the most important job, but I don't think that stops us from thinking about the value in changing another diaper, or doing dishes for the seventh time that day, or shaking rattles for an obscene amount of time to keep someone from crying- especially when you think about the women who manage to do this and have a career.

BUT.

Last night, I held a contented baby and rocked, while she inspected my hands with her own, and we listened to an audio book together.

And just before writing this, I rocked that baby as she leaned her head against my cheek and held my hand, with no noise except the sound of the fish tank and the thunder outside, until the pacifier fell from her mouth, and I placed her in the crib.

It's like I'm living in a fairytale.

It's not just in the moments when she's sleeping.  I think it's more noticeable in the quiet, but I also feel like I might explode with joy when I get her to laugh, or when she gives me her bashful smile, or when she happily squeals as we play airplane.

Sometimes it's hard to feel like I didn't just waste a day because I didn't "accomplish" anything.

Sometimes I feel like I failed as a wife because I didn't have a meal prepared or the apartment is messier than it was that morning.

But in those sleepy moments, I'm reminded of how lucky I am to be here with her, and that it's ok to just soak that up from time to time.  And maybe, just maybe this time isn't so much for her as it is for me.  Let's face it, she would be just fine in a daycare or with a babysitter.  She's not going to have a memory of her time at home with me for at least a few years.

I heard and loved this phrase recently: babies don't keep.

So true, right?

I guess, all that being said, the conclusion I've come to is that being a stay-at-home mom is a gift.  A deeply personal, mental, and spiritual gift.  It gives me blessed time with my daughter, the ability to focus on what is important in our family, and it's teaching me more about God.  I don't want to feel guilty or inadequate for accepting that gift because then I won't take full advantage of it.

Let me show you how my fairytale has looked over the last few weeks:

I'm hoping to talk to you again later this week, but we'll see if I stick to that.

Later,

Aim

Ledges and Irrational Fears

Hi.

I don't know what the rest of the country is experiencing this week, but Iowa has had the most beautiful last three days.  Luckily those three days lined up with Jered's days off, and we took full advantage of them.

On Monday we went to Ledges State Park, and had ourselves a little family adventure.  Jered wanted to ban taking pictures about 10 minutes into our time, but we all know that's unlikely.

Evelyn loved it.  She is going to be an outdoorsy girl.

Aimee: Oo, we should carve our names in the sandstone!

Jered: It says not to.

Aimee:

Seriously- since when does Jered pay attention to that kind of stuff?

The road through the park zigzagged through the creek, so every once in a while you'd drive or walk through it.  First off, we headed out for one of the trails.

 

Stairs.  So many stairs.

Our mark did end up in one of the benches on the trail.  

After our little hike we decided to kick off our shoes and explore the creek a bit.  Well, Jered explored while Evelyn and I chilled out in the chair Jered set up for us in the middle of the creek.  It originally seemed like such a silly idea to me, but it was so refreshing and relaxing.  I'm thankful I have such a creative husband.

Girly slept through a large portion of our time there.  Upon waking she became extremely intrigued by her surroundings.  

 

By now you should know that Jered was off trying to catch fish with a three-pronged spear he rigged up from a tree branch during this time.  When he came back the real fun began.

She was loving standing in the creek.  She bounced up and down and smiled and laughed.  We were equally loving her reactions, although I worried about her feet getting too cold.

It's no secret that Jered is the risk taker in our relationship.  He's hardly afraid of anything.  (Except heights and spiders.)  I'm the safe one.  This has become increasingly, glaringly obvious since Evelyn was born.  I suppose it's not only clearer, but more extreme than it used to be.

Being a mom has introduced me to a whole host of new fears.  I fear for her health, her safety, her feelings, her future, her salvation, her intelligence, her abilities, you name it.  

I'm guessing that's all fairly normal. 

Many times those fears are accompanied by a number of mostly irrational fears too.  If I picture myself carrying Evelyn on the sidewalk, I see myself tripping and crashing onto the pavement with her.  When I think about her sleeping in her own room at night, I imagine coming in to find her not breathing in the morning.  When I see Jered holding her on the balcony, I imagine her somehow wriggling free of his grasp and falling.  

All unlikely things.  All crippling, paralyzing, chest-constricting.  I've lain awake at night, praying for God to put me to sleep because I can't stop imagining the worst of freak scenarios.  

With that said, I'm sure you can figure out what kinds of thoughts were running rampant in my mind as we hiked on a 3 foot wide trail, with a rickety old railing on the edge of a drop off several stories high.  Or as I carried our sleeping baby as I attempted to navigate my way down the middle of the creek.  Or as Jered carried her out there and climbed onto a large rock.  Or as Jered decided he needed to go off the trail to kill a snake and then exclaimed that it was poisonous.

But, as I worried aloud when Jered stuck her feet in the water, he told me, in his wisdom, that I can't project my irrational fears onto her.  If I had, we wouldn't have seen her face light up as her toes felt sand for the first time.  

I don't want to stifle her curiosity or teach her to be afraid of everything.  Of course, I want her to have a healthy fear of danger, but I don't want to cripple her with irrational fears. My hope is that she can go further than I have in any and every area, and that can't happen if she carries the burden of my fears.

I have three wordy art pieces in her room.  All have the word "wild" in them.

"Do you suppose she's a wildflower?" - Alice in Wonderland

"All good things are wild and free." - Henry David Thoreau

"Live in the sunshine, swim in the sea, drink the wild air." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I want her to have a nice dose of wildness in her.  Nothing Spring Break style, just a little wildness like her dad.  A desire to be free, to explore, to grow.  For her to do all that, I have to learn to trust.  I knew Jered would never let anything happen to her in that creek, but my mind entertains the idea of freak accidents.  

I also know that God is good and loves our Evelyn more than we can imagine.  He is holding all three of us the same way Jered held Evelyn.  Carrying us when we can't do it on our own and supporting us to help us grow at other times.  I guess parenthood is just another way God teaches us to trust in Him.

Sometimes I've overwhelmed by how many things they can't teach you in school.  I still have so much to learn, and I'm ready for this wild, new ride we're facing.

Later,

Aim

Family Day

Hey.

Remember how I told you I follow over ten regular bloggers?  A total of over forty?  I haven't been keeping up with them since Evelyn was born.  At least five of them are blogs that I want to catch up on, but that means hundreds of posts.  Bah.

Ok, so last time I said I was going to do a follow up on 7.  Well, Molly wrote about it, and frankly, she covered the biggest points far better than I could.  So rather than trying to re-say what she already did beautifully, I just want to send you over to read about her experience with the book.  Ditto- to the whole thing.

A couple weeks ago Jered suggested we have a family day.  He presented the idea of going to the zoo, but when the day arrived, he said we should go to Saylorville Lake instead.  Oh great, we get to go fishing again, I thought.  No, no!  He assured me we would go walking on the trail and maybe, maybe he would cast out a net while we were there.  I'm thinking, ok- he's going to toss the net out and check it after our walk.

Nope.  Apparently, when one is casting out a net, one immediately pulls it pack in and recasts over and over and over.  For like- an hour and a half or so.  You may recall a similar story about fishing from last summer.

Not exactly what I had pictured for the day, but Evelyn and I enjoyed a beautiful afternoon underneath a shade tree, so there's that.

[Evelyn is going to have the same ability to open her eyes for outside pics as her mama.]

We also visited Raccoon River Park that night.  That's right- more fishing.  At least it was a pretty out.

 

In Jered's defense, he did read a chapter of a book aloud that I wanted us to read together.  He also didn't make us stay very late because it was cooling off and the bugs were coming out.  And then he took me to Dairy Queen, so we'll chalk it up to a win.

I can't be too hard on him though.  He is making it possible for me to be with my girl all day.  I'm watching her play with her toys as I write this.  

She is the sweetest.  We are so very, very in love with her.

Til next time.

Aim

A Few Things and a Baby

Hi.

Well, the little girl is sound asleep.  Of course, I just pulled out the computer, so it stands to reason that she should wake up soon.

Before I jump into all things Evelyn, a few other non-baby thoughts:

I mentioned that my days are in need of more structure now that I'm staying home.  It would be far too easy to sit on the couch and watch Evelyn play all day.  (Gee- even my non-baby topics include baby.  Oh well.)  So, I've been closely inspecting our apartment to find deep cleaning problems that need solving.  (Ok, maybe closely inspecting is a bit exaggerated- most of them are fairly blatant... like the mold growing above our shower.)  Anyway, I've taken to making a weekly checklist because who doesn't like putting checks next to the things they've accomplished?

My goal is to work in some artsy time for me too.  Like a project a week, or even just a sketch a day.  I think it's much to Jered's chagrin that there is nothing regarding cooking on there either.  Ideally, one new meal a week will end up on the list as well.

It seems much less letter space-worthy now, but on the subject of post-baby body issues: bleh.  Fortunately it hasn't been as bad as I dreamed, but the insecurities still surface.  After my six-week go ahead, I started working out again- slowly, but surely.  I've taken up the 21 Day Fix workouts and have seen positive results.  While they aren't as drastic as they would be if I followed her meal plan like she suggests, I'm feeling stronger, more flexible, and have noticed differences in my posture.  So, yay!  I feel like I'm close to my normal size, just... softer.  But I enjoy the workouts because there are several different ones, keeping me from getting bored, so I'm optimistic.

Jered and I have been working at de-cluttering the apartment.  We both cleaned out our closet, which I love to do a couple times a year- especially when I have sisters-in law and friends that can adopt clothes that I actually like but just don't wear.  Yesterday we got rid of stuff that had filled our entire entryway.  It felt gooooood.  I'm thinking that he might have gotten over his Craigslist addiction because he looked at the entryway and said, "How did we ever accumulate so much stuff?!"

That brings me to the other topic I want to touch on: my most recent book read: 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess.  If I'm honest, this is probably something I'm going to come back to a couple different times, and you will probably get sick of it.  I originally read about the book on another blog, and then heard about it from Molly, who has never recommended a book I didn't like.  She also perfectly summed up the book by saying "It's wrecked my life."  For now I'll leave it at this: I am suddenly more aware of how casually I spend money, the nickel and diming we subject ourselves to, how much garbage we produce (when I have never, ever been a "green" person), how many clothes I have that I do not wear, how little time I spend in prayer, and perhaps most humiliating- how little thought I spare for the needy.

Yep, I think we'll talk about that again later.  There's just too much to address to include in this already lengthy letter.

So how 'bout that baby?!  Gosh, we love her.

I know we I share lots of pictures of her scowling, but she is actually a smiley little thing.  A chatterbox too.  Last time the two of us went to Target she sat in her stroller and talked to me the whole time.

It's really fun to watch her learn her body.  She's been focusing intently on her hands and noticing her feet too.  She now grasps her hands together to play with her own fingers and sucks on her hand/sides of her fingers if she loses her pacifier.  When she sleeps, she usually has one hand playing in her hair, while the other hovers somewhere near her mouth.  

She's upgraded to her big girl bed, otherwise known as a crib.  Moving her into her own room wasn't quite as hard as I thought it would be.  It almost made getting up in the morning easier because I was even more eager to see her little face.  

She rolled from her tummy to her back for the first time this week and has done it several times since.  (However, if we're being honest, she does have a fairly large head, and it probably helped her over a bit.)  In the last week we've seen a huge difference in her head and neck control.  She always seemed strong as far as holding up her head, but she's doing it for longer periods of time and is much less jerky with it.  She actually seems to enjoy tummy time now, rather than endure it.

She's really starting to fill out.  Her chicken legs are thicker every morning.  Sometimes I swear they plump up during her naps.  And those squishable cheeks.  We just love them.

She gives the absolute best snuggles.  I can't get enough of them.  I've been trying to limit myself to holding her for only one nap a day so that she doesn't grow dependent on us for sleep, but sometimes it takes all my willpower to put her down in that crib.

I'm pretty certain she's going to have a little ornery streak in her.  Just like her dad.  Before she was born, I swore she was stubborn because she would never kick for the camera, and she does the same thing with smiling for the camera now.  It's tough to catch them.  

Well, this letter already got interrupted by a waking baby, a visit to Jered's work, and a trip to Target.  I let her continue sleeping in her carseat once we got back in the apartment, but I hear her stirring again, so I think I'll leave well enough alone for today.

Talk to you later.

Aim