This parenting gig has totally changed in the last few months. And while I would never change our decision to have our second so close to our first, it. is. hard.
I don't want to complain too much, but I do want to share beyond the highlight reel.
It doesn't help that Jered has added two full work days to his three, twelve hours shifts each week. It makes for many hours of just me and the girls, which gets tiring. I signed up for this! I want to stay home with them; I wouldn't have it any other way, but staying home is also much more difficult than I thought it'd be.
I've found that it's a struggle not to contribute much to our family's finances. Jered doesn't mind- he wants me to be with the girls as much as I do, but I've found that it grates on me. It's part of the reason I started coaching.
Anyway, if you've read this blog for a while, you may remember that when I first realized I struggled with pride, it took me a little by surprise. Well, it has struck again.
The first time around, I was shocked that I felt as at ease with Evelyn as I did. It felt more natural than I thought it would. I was, and am, no pro, but the first time was much easier than I expected it to be. Looking back, I felt like I was pretty good at momming.
I felt surprisingly strong and capable. I felt a sense of pride in going to the store with Evelyn and choosing a back parking space to get more walking done. I felt like I was able to do what other people did with a kid on my hip!
This time... oh, this time... I feel like I cannot get around the learning curve of having two kids. I feel overwhelmed much of the time and have described it to Jered as, "drowning." I've been forced to rely much more on help from people than I used to because my hands are literally full. I have visited my parents for a few days, largely because I just needed help.
I feel guilty for not giving Leyla as much attention because Evelyn is much more demanding of it. While Evelyn was sick, Leyla was such an angel; she just played on her mat or sat in her bouncy chair the whole time. Now that she's sick, she is extra clingy, wanting only to be nuzzled into my shoulder 24/7, and Evelyn is far less understanding.
The problem with being a stay-at-home mom is that you're never away from work. You don't get time off. Even if Jered tells me to relax- even if the girls are both, miraculously, asleep- I wrestle with the choice of cleaning, working out, cooking, having a quiet time, or holding a sleeping baby because they don't keep.
My alone time away from home is generally spent grocery shopping, so even my alone time is part of my job. Jered has been good enough to try to get me a few extra hours out every week for me to go watch coaching videos or plan challenge groups.
I'll tell you what- this parenting thing is not for the faint of heart, and I've been feeling the need to be refreshed. I honestly think that if it weren't for working out every day- getting a good sweat and endorphins going, that I would be unable to cope.
With all of that being said, I can see why people always say they never knew part of their family was missing until the child arrived. I am absolutely smitten with these two. They are worth the hard work.
To every overwhelmed mama out there, wondering if you're doing alright, I feel ya. We can do it, ladies.
