Getting Honest

Hi.

I'm going to take this opportunity to be super transparent, and tell you something that I'm struggling with and feel guilty about.  I can do that, right?  Because we're friends and you won't judge me too harshly?  I hope so.

In case you haven't noticed, or we don't have many of the same Facebook friends, lots of ladies close to my age are expecting right now.  I see cute pictures of their bumps and how excited they are about their growing bellies.

(last week)

But I don't feel that way.

Not about the baby!  Just the belly.  It doesn't feel like a baby bump.  It feels like fat, and I feel enormous, and we're not even that far along.

I wonder if it's just because it's still early.  Maybe it will change once my belly "pops" and I start feeling kicks.

Maybe it's just because I've never seriously struggled with weight.  Sure a few pounds that first year at TIU from too many Wendy's runs and trips to the ice cream machine, but nothing that going home for the summer and eating right couldn't fix.

Maybe it's just because I have a skewed view of my body.  Over the last couple years I've tried to become more aware of what I put in my body and how I take care of it.  Right before I found out I was pregnant I felt like I was finally getting into a groove and seeing the results I desired.

I'm putting this out there because I feel like a world-class snot, for lack of unwillingness to share a more appropriate word, worrying about feeling fat instead of finding joy in my expanding waistline because of a living person growing inside of me.

And I feel incredibly guilty because I know countless women would do anything to be in the position I've found myself in without trying.  So many that would give every thing they own to feel their bellies grow this way.

All of this is not to say that I am not excited about our baby.  I am.  And so curious as to what he/she will be like.  Am I going to be overwhelmed with a little Jered?  Will I get another chance to play with Barbies like the ones I drooled over in Target the other night?  Will he/she be a baldy or have lots of hair like I did?  Personality? Athleticism?  (Please have Jered's!)  Talents?  Rude or Flinkman fingers and toes?

Last week Jered made a comment about "mommy" having to help with math homework because "daddy" doesn't do math, and I got ridiculously giddy at the thought.

But I passed swimsuits at Target last night (why?) and thought, "if my energy to work out during this pregnancy is anything like my energy after I have a baby, I will not be getting back into any of those any time soon."

I'm sure some of you are rolling your eyes at me.  I've read plenty of blogs and articles where women say it isn't all that hard to get back in shape.  Or they got smaller than they were before they had a baby.  And right now it's easy to think that I will work my butt off after this baby is here, but then I also thought I was going to work out for at least the first trimester...

I hesitate to complain because Jered hates, which has lead to me hating, when someone complains about something like weight and doesn't do anything about it.  And that's kind of what I've been doing, but the energy just isn't there.  Or there just isn't enough.  I've been trying to get back into the groove of making dinner and doing more around the apartment, and by the time I'm done with that, I'm zapped.

And now I've sat here for ten extra minutes, debating whether or not I should even share this.  I'm nervous because it was quickly written, and I don't want to post anything without thinking it through all the way.  But then, this is something that's been on my heart for weeks now, and maybe someone else is feeling/or is going to feel the same way I do.

So there's that. 

I don't want to leave you with so much heavy though. 

So how about this? - Christmas Eve is a week from today.  Isn't that delightful?  Sometimes I think Christmas Eve is even more wonderful than Christmas day.  The anticipation, candlelight services, the quiet and holy pondering of the Christmas story, the warm snuggling in for the night with a Christmas movie, books, and snacks with the family.  I think it's the best night of the whole year.

I'll talk to you later.

Aim