Bared Soul

Hi,

I told you I'd probably be back sometime today.

So, as I caught up on my blog reading list, I came across a couple posts by one writer that were quite interesting.  She discussed her experience with God and faith, and it hadn't been very positive.

Apparently she grew up in a church environment where she felt that she was being told she had to make herself perfect and was constantly repenting for the smallest mistakes, and consequently was always terrified that she would miss the rapture or was going to hell because of a forgotten or overlooked snide comment, selfish thought, you name it.

Oh, I just thought to myself, "Some people have it so mixed up that it's no wonder they end up turning people away from God and Christianity.  They've got it all wrong!"

This poor woman, whom I admire for her transparency, was taught only about the wrath of God.  Her teachers forgot about the loving, merciful, gracious God.

Note:  I do not believe in doing whatever my sinful heart fancies with the belief that God will forgive me for it anyway.

I don't think the Bible teaches either of those things.  Yes, we are supposed to be striving to live in a way that would glorify God, a way that would draw people to Jesus.  But that doesn't come from being hard-nosed Bible thumpers, who are literally trying to scare the Hell out of people.  And it certainly doesn't come from living like the world so that we can relate.

I just felt so bad for this woman, and countless others who miss out on the real deal, and can only hope that I'm living my life in a way that just might steer them toward the Truth.  Or maybe just glance toward the road signs heading that way.

Now, let me be transparent.  Another topic I came across, by this same writer coincidentally, that I felt incredibly convicted about, is the "I'm not good enough" feelings.  She talked about how she's usually happy in life, but every once in awhile she finds herself in a slump.

Oh, how I resonate with that.  It's really easy to think about all the things I've not done my best at, or where I haven't been thoughtful enough, or am not doing the most with my life.  But it doesn't stop there.  No sir; it's not just about me feeling bad about myself.

I've had serious moments where I've wondered if I am depressed.  And not the "What a crappy day; I'm so depressed."   Not normal bad day, bad mood stuff.  I've been told before that I have some tendencies toward it, and I need to fight against it.  I have had days where it felt like things were falling apart.  Like things were really bad.  In reality, were they?  Probably not.  But it sure felt like it.

In those moments, I feel guilty.  I must not reading my Bible or praying enough.  This isn't how a Christian should feel.  We are supposed to have this incredible source of joy that outshines the darkness in the world.  

Even as someone who knows she has an eternal hope, I struggle with this.  So I know what people would say.  "Don't worry; trust in God...  Lean not on your own understanding...  Rest in His peace...  Remember the joy of your salvation," and so many other things we hear in church.

So here is where I bare my soul to you:  Sometimes it still hurts. Sometimes I feel like I'm not "doing Christianity right," I guess.  Sometimes I feel like the only option is to ride it out til it passes.

And it always does.  Somehow it passes and things go back to normal.

I don't really know where to go with this confession of mine...  I just felt compelled to give it.  I guess I'm thinking of that woman, and others like her.  Wondering how they go through tough moments like that without having an eternal hope when it's hard enough with it.

So here I sit, struggling with my pride as I tell you this because I don't want you to have the wrong idea about me.  I don't hate my life; I quite love it as a matter of a fact.  I don't think that God is smaller than this.  I think He is way bigger than any problem I think I have.  And I don't know what conclusions to draw from these thoughts, except for I guess that's just part of life.  Dealing with internal struggles and pulling through.

Well, friend, thanks for listening.  I'll talk to you later.  On a lighter note, promise.

Aim