Reflection Time

Hey.

I'm back.  I know, it's only been a few hours, but I feel like I've been deprived of writing time lately, and I so love to do it... even if I don't have much to tell you about.

I'm sitting in our little, hole in the wall, coffee shop.  It's called Metropolis.  Previously, I've really enjoyed their iced chai tea.  Tonight, however, is a hot cocoa night.  It's freezing, and their hot cocoa with whipped cream on top is really hitting the spot.

As I sit here, listening to the always interesting mix of music and the bits of chatter echoing through the place, I feel very reflective... although I'm not sure that will be revealed by my letter tonight.  I'm still not sure what I'm going to write to you about.

Did I tell you about the delicious dinner I made last night?  Chicken with risotto.  Really good.  Jered even called it delicious.  I can't take too much credit though because the risotto was just a box recipe.  I didn't do much.  But hey- it came off of my stove and went on our table.

Other than after a rare delicious dinner, I've been feeling pretty worthless lately.  Like a screw up, a whiner, a lazy bum, a failure, you name it.  A girl who could have gone far and didn't work hard enough or put herself out there enough to do whatever it is she could have done.  And most of the time, I feel like it's already too late to change all that.

Sometimes I get so bogged down by the thought that I have done very little of worth in my twenty-five, quickly nearing twenty-six years.  I should have done something of value by now, shouldn't I have?

I went down to New Orleans for a Katrina relief trip during my second year of college.  At that time, I really felt like I made a difference.  But now when I think about it, I wonder if God was doing more in my heart than what I accomplished there.  The people there changed me.  All I did was pull down a few walls.

Today, I did something I haven't done in... well, I don't know that I've ever done it.  I read the Facebook wall of a dear friend who has been gone for awhile.  And I don't know if it's because my mind was at peace with the fact he's gone, or that I've just been so distracted that I don't stop to think about it often.  But reading the messages from people, and even his last few posts before he left, my heart broke all over again.

Disbelief that he's gone, racks my body.  Could it already have been so long?  And I think of the things he taught me about life, and love, and God.  I think about how he taught me the most during his last year.  His fire still inspires me.  I want to have that.

I often write about the things God has been making evident to me.  But then I consider my life, and how those things are evident in the way I live, and I sometimes shudder.  It's one thing to talk about it, it's a whole different thing to live it.  It's so much harder.

Tonight, friend, I'm praying that God will do a mighty work in me, as He promised us He would, and that I will be submissive to His will.  I don't want to live a life of could have, should haves.  I want to be the girl who lived, without fear, without holding back.  A girl who made a difference. 

I will try to stop being such a downer now, friend. 

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.        

Philippians 1:6

Goodnight, friend.  And sweet dreams to you.

Aim