Thoughts on Love

Hey.

Guess what.  Gueeesss whaaaaat.

I lost my list of topics.  I remember one of them.  That's it.  Just one.

Maybe I'll remember the rest later.

Back before Evelyn was here, back when she was just J, I decided to pray for some specific personality traits for her.  My main prayer for her was that she would have a heart for other people.  That she would show mercy and compassion and love to those who need it.

 

I prayed that it might be such a strength in her, that she would teach Jered and me how to love others better.  That she would teach us about loving like Jesus.

[That face!]

When I think about that prayer now, it looks like I was trying to take the easy way out.  Apparently God thought so too.  What did I think?  That I could just wait a few years until Evelyn shows me how to love better?  That I could just go on living the same until then?  That God has ever been content with delayed obedience?

A few weeks ago at church I heard this, "We must become immediately obedient in saying yes to the direction of the Holy Spirit, rather than offering excuses."

It still took a few weeks for this whole concept to come together in my mind.

Just another example of Aimee being extremely thick from time to time.

 

So much of my reading lately seems to have been screaming at me about the importance of loving others that I feel maybe God is telling me I'm not off the hook with this concept.  It is my/our job, after all, to train up our child in the way she should go.

In his book You and Me Forever, Francis Chan says:

"There's an old expression: most of what your kids learn from you will be caught, not taught.  While it's not in the Bible, we all know there is a lot of truth in that statement.  We can all think of habits, expressions, and attitudes that we picked up from our parents- for better or worse.  They didn't sit us down and lecture us on these things, but we ended up copying them (many times even when we tried hard not to!)."

 

He also says that they will notice the gap between our supposed beliefs and actions.  If our love, our actions, our sacrifices don't match up with what we say we believe, why would they decide to join the hypocrisy of the church?

 

Ouch!  And He still keeps pounding this lesson into my mind.

Some of the other sermon notes I took over the last few weeks are:

"Giving like Jesus is not about money- that's about obedience.  Giving like Jesus is giving of ourselves, our time."

"What's broken in my life?  What about my life is causing God's heart to break?"

"Our tendency to isolate is selfish and self-kingdom building."

"We are supposed to spread the goodness of His image."

 

I don't know what exactly this is going to look like in my life yet, but I know a change is needed.  Whether it's learning to be more selfless in serving my husband, stopping when I see the "hungry-anything helps" signs, being more intentional, or finding some other way to serve, I want to model genuine love for Evelyn. 

Even though it's not my own strength, I've been lucky enough to have parents who have shown me what this looks like.  I won't share examples because they would be completely uncomfortable with me bringing them to light.

She is already watching us.  She sees what we focus on.  She notices the phones in our hands.  Whether she recognizes them yet or not, she is hearing our words and how we speak them.  It's only a matter of time before she starts mirroring our actions.

As, what I would term, a raging introvert, this whole idea can tend to make me uneasy.  However, God has given us different strengths, and I think that allows for us to show love in different ways.  So my goal is to start brainstorming and finding ways that introverted little me can act on.

All of these thoughts started when I read 7.  Molly was right.  It wrecked my life... in the best way.  It showed me so many practical ways to show love.  If you still haven't taken my word for it, go get the book.  Seriously- here's the link to Amazon.

Well, I think that was the gist of all my thoughts.  Since I lost my notes, I guess we'll never know.  Hopefully another of my "planned" topics will resurface in my mind soon. Ha.

'Til next time.

Aim

Humble Pie

Hey, I'm back already!

Since I had multiple topics I wanted to talk about, I decided to jot down notes yesterday in order to actually remember them when it came time to write. Ha. I have a mom brain now, you know.

After having my quiet time this morning, my direction for today has changed.

Just yesterday I was telling you about my struggle with pride and one of the ways I've seen it play out in our marriage.  Well, wouldn't you know, this popped up in the passage I read today:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, 

but in humility consider others better than yourselves.  

Each of you should look not only to your own interests, 

but also to the interests of others.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature God,

did not consider equality with God

something to be grasped,

but made himself nothing,

taking the very nature of a servant,

being made in human likeness.

And being found in appearance as a man,

he humbled himself

and became obedient to death-

even death on a cross!

                                                                                     

                                                                       Philippians 2:3-8

Now isn't that always the way?

His timing is uncanny.

I used to be so envious of people who said they had experienced God audibly speaking to them.  Or they had an overwhelming feeling that He was speaking to them.  I've come to realize that even if I don't hear Him verbalize a lesson to me, He makes said lesson pretty clear.  The same topics come up over and over and over again.  Until I get it.  (The lesson- not the mastery of it.)  

I feel like God is teaching me so many different things right now, but they all manage to seep together.

I've been reading so much about selflessness, caring for others, looking at my marriage through the scope of eternity, and love in general lately.  It reminded me of that sermon I talked about "recently."  (When I took a minute to figure out just how long it had been, I realized it had been almost two years... oops.)  The pastor talked about how he decided to pray through one attribute of love until he felt he had a good grasp on it, and then continued through the list. 

You might remember I decided to start with jealousy.  While I haven't mastered this aspect, I am getting the idea that perhaps God thinks it's time for me to focus on a new one.  Pride.

I also came across some old notes I had taken during my reading of Philippians this morning. I don't remember the story exactly, but basically a group of officials were together making war plans.  Someone asked what the best defense against the atom bomb was.  One wise man answered, "peace."

Underneath that note, I had written, "We bring glory to God simply by letting His love win."

It all comes together, right?  Is it just me?  I don't know.  I guess I'm seeing my pride pop up and wreak havoc on my relationship with Jered because I want to win.  I want to be right.  I want him to listen and understand and fall into place with my wants and needs.

But that is so not Christ like. Doggonit.  

Who, being in very nature God,

did not consider equality with God

something to be grasped,

but made himself nothing,

taking the very nature of a servant,

being made in human likeness.

And being found in appearance as a man,

he humbled himself

and became obedient to death-

even death on a cross!

So who am I to think I deserve any better than that?

Only one other time in my life did I realize that pride might be a struggle of mine.  It came as a bit of a shock to be honest.  But I guess I kind of forgot about it.

Now it's hitting me hard, and I'm figuring out that it's a major issue for me.  And it reveals itself in many ways.  (It even goes so far as to give me anxiety about Evelyn's hair falling out.  I'm realizing that even though her hair has no bearing in how much I love her or how beautiful I think she is, I was ridiculously proud of her thick dark locks.)

So, in short, I'll be praying for humility for awhile.  I'm dreading it a bit.  Kind of like when you pray for patience, yeah?  Scary. 

As for Evelyn's pictures, I am almost a month behind!  Suffice it to say, those pink leggings are a little more snug now then they were shown here:

 

Talk to you later!

Aim

Personality Flaws

Hi.

So, I looked back at my last post to see what pictures I had already shared, and I saw that last time I said I hoped to write again later that week. Hahahahaha.

Well, I've had letters marinating in my mind, so I'm going to attempt to pull one together today.

I already told you a bit about my experience with the book 7.  I just finished another called You and Me Forever.  (Yet another recommended read from Molly.  Folks- she knows what she's talking 'bout.)

You and Me Forever is a book about marriage in light of eternity.  It largely describes how we should be focused on our spouse's spiritual life more than how "happy" our marriage is because if we're fulfilling our purpose as Christians, a "happy" marriage will naturally fall into place.  

I have so many underlined, starred, and bracketed sections in the book that I can't begin to share with you every part that stuck out to me.

It's funny... even though this book is on a totally different subject than 7, I felt that I was learning about many of the same penchants I have.  The lack of spiritual accountability, care for others, and the abundance of fears I hold on to, all popped up again.

One section in particular felt like looking in a mirror, seeing the cracks in my personality, and then seeing how I was created to be instead:

Prideful people are defensive, angry, blame-shifting, and focused on self.  They consistently see that the problem lies not with them, but with everyone else.  The gospel is not the focus; it is not the goal.

Humble people are broken over their own sin, more concerned with honoring God than arguing about what they deserve, and try-by the grace of God-to stay focused on the gospel and the goal.

I guess this stuck out to me so much because Jered and I had just talked about it recently.  It has been a recurring discussion really.  I have this wonderfully fun proclivity to become defensive if I feel he is being the slightest bit accusing or displeased with anything I do.  I instantly fire back with, "well you did blah, blah, blah."  It's like a reflex!  If it wasn't so terrible, it would actually be kind of funny because he always knows it's coming.

It is not what I am called to be though.  As a Christian, I am supposed to be attempting to be Christ-like.  Christ wasn't defensive.  He put the well-being of others before his own.  He didn't get caught up on what he deserved.  If he had, we would all be in some trouble.

Here's what I'm learning.  It's haaaaaard.  It's not fun.  It's a major effort to go against my natural tendencies, and I'm still completely failing.  Like, I can finish reading my Bible for the day and in the following five minutes snap at Jered for something stupid.  Less than five minutes after reading how I should behave!

And I get so angry because Jered will tell me that Evelyn is watching me already.  She is becoming more and more aware, and it's only a matter of time before she notices my tone and my attitude.  I want to fire back with "Well she is seeing what's causing me to act this way too!"

The truth is that it doesn't matter.  I should be teaching her to be humble, gentle, understanding, loving, and like Christ in all I do.  It's a little daunting when I think of how far I have to go.

Well, I have some other thoughts that have been brought on lately by these books and discussions with Jered that I'd like to talk about, but there's a cute baby waking up in the next room.  So maybe, just maybe, I can get back tomorrow.

As always, what we really want to see:

 

Until next time, ciao!

Aim

The Fairytale of the SAHM

Hi.

I had this moment yesterday.

I had just snuggled and rocked with my baby until she fell asleep, and I was on my way to put her in the crib, when I looked down at her.

This is like a fairytale.

It's no surprise to anyone that motherhood isn't always glamorous.  Some women do a pretty good job of making it look that way on Instagram, but I think deep down we know that's not what their behind-the-scenes reel looks like, right?

I mean, last week Jered made a comment about me "not exactly wearing my best lately."  When I stopped to think about that, I realized that I hadn't touched jeans in about a week.  In fact, I basically live in gym shorts and tank tops now, and, if I'm honest, the previous night's pajamas.

[Or, on occasion, something covered in spit up... or worse.]

I go days without wearing makeup sometimes (which is really saying something, guys- I am not an au naturel girl.), and my hair has seen far more than a fair share of messy top knots in the last few weeks.  (Although I'd like to remove myself from blame in that case and pass it on to my conditioner that won't allow me to comb my hair after showers.)

Anyway.  I'm guessing that any stay-at-home-mom is lying if they say that they never question their worth.  So much value is put into careers now that it is easy to wonder, "What am I doing with my life?"

And I've seen and heard the messages about how being a mom is the most important job, but I don't think that stops us from thinking about the value in changing another diaper, or doing dishes for the seventh time that day, or shaking rattles for an obscene amount of time to keep someone from crying- especially when you think about the women who manage to do this and have a career.

BUT.

Last night, I held a contented baby and rocked, while she inspected my hands with her own, and we listened to an audio book together.

And just before writing this, I rocked that baby as she leaned her head against my cheek and held my hand, with no noise except the sound of the fish tank and the thunder outside, until the pacifier fell from her mouth, and I placed her in the crib.

It's like I'm living in a fairytale.

It's not just in the moments when she's sleeping.  I think it's more noticeable in the quiet, but I also feel like I might explode with joy when I get her to laugh, or when she gives me her bashful smile, or when she happily squeals as we play airplane.

Sometimes it's hard to feel like I didn't just waste a day because I didn't "accomplish" anything.

Sometimes I feel like I failed as a wife because I didn't have a meal prepared or the apartment is messier than it was that morning.

But in those sleepy moments, I'm reminded of how lucky I am to be here with her, and that it's ok to just soak that up from time to time.  And maybe, just maybe this time isn't so much for her as it is for me.  Let's face it, she would be just fine in a daycare or with a babysitter.  She's not going to have a memory of her time at home with me for at least a few years.

I heard and loved this phrase recently: babies don't keep.

So true, right?

I guess, all that being said, the conclusion I've come to is that being a stay-at-home mom is a gift.  A deeply personal, mental, and spiritual gift.  It gives me blessed time with my daughter, the ability to focus on what is important in our family, and it's teaching me more about God.  I don't want to feel guilty or inadequate for accepting that gift because then I won't take full advantage of it.

Let me show you how my fairytale has looked over the last few weeks:

I'm hoping to talk to you again later this week, but we'll see if I stick to that.

Later,

Aim