Ledges and Irrational Fears

Hi.

I don't know what the rest of the country is experiencing this week, but Iowa has had the most beautiful last three days.  Luckily those three days lined up with Jered's days off, and we took full advantage of them.

On Monday we went to Ledges State Park, and had ourselves a little family adventure.  Jered wanted to ban taking pictures about 10 minutes into our time, but we all know that's unlikely.

Evelyn loved it.  She is going to be an outdoorsy girl.

Aimee: Oo, we should carve our names in the sandstone!

Jered: It says not to.

Aimee:

Seriously- since when does Jered pay attention to that kind of stuff?

The road through the park zigzagged through the creek, so every once in a while you'd drive or walk through it.  First off, we headed out for one of the trails.

 

Stairs.  So many stairs.

Our mark did end up in one of the benches on the trail.  

After our little hike we decided to kick off our shoes and explore the creek a bit.  Well, Jered explored while Evelyn and I chilled out in the chair Jered set up for us in the middle of the creek.  It originally seemed like such a silly idea to me, but it was so refreshing and relaxing.  I'm thankful I have such a creative husband.

Girly slept through a large portion of our time there.  Upon waking she became extremely intrigued by her surroundings.  

 

By now you should know that Jered was off trying to catch fish with a three-pronged spear he rigged up from a tree branch during this time.  When he came back the real fun began.

She was loving standing in the creek.  She bounced up and down and smiled and laughed.  We were equally loving her reactions, although I worried about her feet getting too cold.

It's no secret that Jered is the risk taker in our relationship.  He's hardly afraid of anything.  (Except heights and spiders.)  I'm the safe one.  This has become increasingly, glaringly obvious since Evelyn was born.  I suppose it's not only clearer, but more extreme than it used to be.

Being a mom has introduced me to a whole host of new fears.  I fear for her health, her safety, her feelings, her future, her salvation, her intelligence, her abilities, you name it.  

I'm guessing that's all fairly normal. 

Many times those fears are accompanied by a number of mostly irrational fears too.  If I picture myself carrying Evelyn on the sidewalk, I see myself tripping and crashing onto the pavement with her.  When I think about her sleeping in her own room at night, I imagine coming in to find her not breathing in the morning.  When I see Jered holding her on the balcony, I imagine her somehow wriggling free of his grasp and falling.  

All unlikely things.  All crippling, paralyzing, chest-constricting.  I've lain awake at night, praying for God to put me to sleep because I can't stop imagining the worst of freak scenarios.  

With that said, I'm sure you can figure out what kinds of thoughts were running rampant in my mind as we hiked on a 3 foot wide trail, with a rickety old railing on the edge of a drop off several stories high.  Or as I carried our sleeping baby as I attempted to navigate my way down the middle of the creek.  Or as Jered carried her out there and climbed onto a large rock.  Or as Jered decided he needed to go off the trail to kill a snake and then exclaimed that it was poisonous.

But, as I worried aloud when Jered stuck her feet in the water, he told me, in his wisdom, that I can't project my irrational fears onto her.  If I had, we wouldn't have seen her face light up as her toes felt sand for the first time.  

I don't want to stifle her curiosity or teach her to be afraid of everything.  Of course, I want her to have a healthy fear of danger, but I don't want to cripple her with irrational fears. My hope is that she can go further than I have in any and every area, and that can't happen if she carries the burden of my fears.

I have three wordy art pieces in her room.  All have the word "wild" in them.

"Do you suppose she's a wildflower?" - Alice in Wonderland

"All good things are wild and free." - Henry David Thoreau

"Live in the sunshine, swim in the sea, drink the wild air." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I want her to have a nice dose of wildness in her.  Nothing Spring Break style, just a little wildness like her dad.  A desire to be free, to explore, to grow.  For her to do all that, I have to learn to trust.  I knew Jered would never let anything happen to her in that creek, but my mind entertains the idea of freak accidents.  

I also know that God is good and loves our Evelyn more than we can imagine.  He is holding all three of us the same way Jered held Evelyn.  Carrying us when we can't do it on our own and supporting us to help us grow at other times.  I guess parenthood is just another way God teaches us to trust in Him.

Sometimes I've overwhelmed by how many things they can't teach you in school.  I still have so much to learn, and I'm ready for this wild, new ride we're facing.

Later,

Aim